Late Halloween and Early Thanksgiving

I know this is a little late, but the kids were so cute on Halloween, I thought I would post it anyway. Jeff's mom came to visit and it was her first time meeting Kaleb and Emnet which made it even more exciting. My kids dress up all the time, so Halloween is just an extra special time to dress up for them which earned them a crazy amount of candy. Our town does a "Safe Trick or Treat" downtown which is a lot of fun. All of the merchants hand out candy and you get to see everybody in their costumes. Afterwards, we went to a few houses on our street because we have some really wonderful neighbors. There aren't many kids in our neighborhood so they were waiting for us. Kaleb and Emnet thought it was really crazy that they could go up to someone, say "trick or treat" and get candy and I must agree. We give candy sparingly in this household so we might have enough to last until the 4th of July!

Emnet Ladybug, Addie Butterfly Fairy Princess, Kaleb Spiderman and Toby Soldier

Today we had a Thanksgiving Feast at Toby and Addie's school. We are so thankful that our tiny town has a wonderful Christian school. The kids were so excited about the feast. The preschoolers dress as turkeys, the kindergarten class as pilgrims and the first graders are native americans. Unfortunately, Kaleb had school today so he wasn't able to join us, but Toby made sure we brought him home a special treat.

My Indian with his turkeys

Jeff was able to come which was really fun

The kids made placemats for the feast and Toby's is a keeper. He wrote what he was thankful for and the first two things he wrote were "my brother, Kaleb and adoption."

I can't tell you how thankful I am for this because Toby had the most difficult transition when Kaleb and Emnet came home. God has worked to soften his heart because just a few months ago Toby would not have written this. His whole world had been turned upside down and he was angry and confused. We had many late night conversations with Toby and we prayed a lot. We also had him see a counselor a few times which was very helpful. I was talking to her just the other day and she has been so encouraged by how far Toby has come. Thank you Heather! I am so proud of Toby and how brave he has been and the leadership he has shown. I have so much to be thankful for. Now to survive a drive with 4 kids to Colorado......

A Year Ago

One year ago today we got the call we had been waiting for. Our paperwork had been in Ethiopia for 8 months and it had been 20 months since we started the adoption process and it felt like it had taken forever. I must admit I didn't always wait well and the waiting after the referral was only more difficult.

I had woken up that day anxious because we had been having trouble with our phone and internet and as I realized that neither was working, I joking thought to myself that this would be "the day." I quickly reminded myself that it was Veteran's Day so I was convinced nothing could happen. Jeff went to work and was burning piles in the forest when he got a message on his cell phone. He called my mom, who came over and got me to call him back. It was then he told me our casemanager had called about a referral. That was such an exciting moment and those of you who have adopted know exactly what I am talking about. I looked at the clock and being that we are 3 hours behind our agency, I knew it was going to be close. Ben was just walking out the door when he answered the phone. He told me about a 4 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. I was ecstatic. I called Jeff back with the news and promised him I wouldn't open the e-mail from Ben until we were together. This wasn't going to be too hard because my internet still didn't work. Jeff couldn't leave right away because he was on a fire, so I had to wait. We made plans to meet in town at a restaurant with internet access. Lucky for us, our internet started working just before Jeff got home.

We sat down and opened the pictures, and I have to say, I didn't get the same feeling I know some people have of just knowing this was their child. This was unexpected because both Jeff and I thought we would open the pictures, feel an instant connection and call back to accept the referral immediately. This was not the case for us. We read all the medical information and we knew there were a few things that we needed to get more information about before we could accept the referral. We really thought we would be referred siblings although we were open to unrelated children and Kaleb and Emnet were not siblings. There were also parts of the kids stories which are truly heartbreaking. I know this is true of all adoptions, but when you realize that you will need to share certain details of a child's past with them at some point, you need to be able to accept what they have been through. At the same time, we were super excited. This was finally happening. As you all know we happily accepted the referral after praying and getting our questions answered and I am so thankful because I cannot imagine what it would have been like to turn a referral down. Although this journey has been anything but easy, it has been so blessed. I might have mentioned that once or twice :) So here are the pictures we saw first.

Kaleb Kebede age 4 (?)

Emnet Seyoum age 3 (?)

I can't tell you how often I stared at these pictures and prayed over them. We didn't receive a picture of Emnet smiling for months. How deceiving that was :) Kaleb's smile was and is magnetic. Here are the beautiful faces I kiss goodnight.

In other news, I have so many things to blog about. An amazing trip to Fort Bragg that was instrumental in our family turning a corner towards unity, Addie riding a two-wheeler, Toby showing incredible leadership, Emnet being the cutest little ladybug for Halloween and Kaleb's 6th birthday as well as making the paper twice in 4 months of being in America - oh. life in small town, we love it!

The Orange Tree

I debated for a while whether or not to share this story, but it is so poignant, I decided it was worth sharing. When you adopt an older child it is difficult not to think about all the things you have missed in their lives before joining your family. Of course you think of milestones - first smile, first steps, first words. But there are other things also. The night we got Kaleb to the guest house and put on his pajamas, I noticed a really bad scar on his knee. It almost looked like a burn, but I had no idea what happened to cause it. It has been such a glaring reminder of all I don't know about his life before and what he has endured.

The other night I was helping him dry off after his bath and I pointed out all his little owies from falling off his bike. He pointed to the big scar and in his own way he told me the story. It went like this:

Ehtiopia. Hungry. Hungry. See Tree. Orange. Climb. Up. Up. Fall Down. No Band-Aids. At night, no sleep.

I asked him if anyone saw him fall. He said no. I asked if anyone helped him. He said no. I asked him if he got the orange. A huge smile came over his face and he said yes. He told me he took it home, got a knife, cut it up and it was yummy. The oldest he could have been when this happened was 4 years old. As I hugged him and rubbed lotion on his scar, I promised him I would always have band-aids.

A Little or Not so Little Update

I really want to get better at blogging so my updates won't be so long. A lot has been on my mind and many things have been happening in our family, but finding the time to blog is difficult. The first big news was Jeff got home two weeks ago after being gone almost a month and it wasn't a moment too soon. The kids were really missing him and I was really needing him. He had a couple of days off and it was great. He laid the law so to speak and the kids have responded remarkably well. There has been a lot of progress made with Kaleb and Emnet feeling more comfortable and attaching to us which has allowed us to be more strict in our expectations. This goes for our biological kids as well because we had lacked consistency as we all struggled to adjust to our new family dynamic.

The truly amazing thing is we are finally starting to feel more like a family. We went on a little hike the weekend Jeff got home and these are a few pictures.

This truly warmed my heart because there has been so much fighting between the kids. I got a glimpse of how things can be with prayer and hard work.

There has also been some other progress made. Kaleb is now able to go to school without me and I am so proud of him. He is writing all of his letters, and although he gets frustrated, I try to continually remind him (and myself) how great he is doing. He is going to take an assessment on Tuesday which is required by the state of California for all non-English speakers to evaluate his level. He will be assessed every year until it is determined that he is fluent in English. I find this kind of thing fascinating so it will be interesting to see what is included in the testing. Kaleb also lost his first tooth! He was really upset about this at first and it took a lot of convincing to assure him that another tooth would grow in. He was pretty excited about the tooth fairy and it is likely he will lose several other teeth soon. Finally, Kaleb is riding a two-wheel bicycle. He had been wanting his training wheels off for a couple of weeks but I wanted to wait for Jeff to get home. The night Jeff got home he took them off and Kaleb was riding by himself about 5 minutes later. This is the same boy who could not figure out how to pedal and would ride slower than I can walk when he first got here. They have come so far in so many ways.

Toby and Addie are loving school. Living in a small town might require a blog post all its own but one thing I will say is that people truly are invested in the lives of my kids. This is such a blessing to me and to them.

Kaleb and Toby both started soccer which is a lot of fun, but it does make our evenings crazy. Kaleb is really good. He kicked the soccer ball for hours while we were in Ethiopia, so I was really excited for his opportunity to learn the game. He had his first game last week and he scored for both teams :) He gets pretty aggressive and I was telling his coach, who is a good friend of ours, that we might need to work on sportsmanship. He reminded me that perhaps we should keep working on English instead :) Toby is also doing great when he isn't staring at the clouds. If you know Toby, this makes perfect sense. Let's just say it is a really good thing Toby is smart.

Emnet started dance class. This just makes me smile because she dances all the time. We were watching a Muppet Movie that had a lot of Motown music in it, and although Emnet was exhausted, she just had to get up and dance. It is amazing to see how well she listens and follows directions when she is running off which continues to be an issue for us. Emnet's little dance class just might be the cutest ever. There is a little girl adopted from China and a little girl from Mexico adopted out of foster care in her class. What a beautiful picture. You can't help but think about what life would have been for these three little girls as you see them twirling in their tutus. It is moments like this that makes me so thankful for adoption amidst the very difficult days.

Jeff and the boys are camping out tonight for "man camp" which was going to include all kinds of fun like canoeing, compasses, Bible reading, fishing, hiking to a waterfall and code names. Kaleb kept asking everyone if he was going to get eaten by a bear. I will post more on this adventure and my fun time with the girls which included a tea party, pretty dresses, nail polish, beads and princess movies. For now, here a couple pictures of Kaleb's first s'more. Now that is a momentous occasion! As for Emnet, she still doesn't like sweets - I told you she was crazy.

The camo and sunglasses make the picture don't you think :)

My Silly Superheroes

I have been trying to focus on the lighter moments at our house. Jeff is wonderful at bringing laughter into most situations and he is missed. I have a hard time doing this especially when I am frustrated, so I have been trying to encourage the kids in their silliness. They came up with this all on their own.

Bat Toby

Spiderman - his favorite

Always a Princess even when doing Kung Fu

Not sure about this one on so many levels but she always makes me laugh

School and Such

Yesterday was Kaleb's first day of kindergarten and it went really, really well. He is going to our charter school and it is the perfect set up for him. He will go on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I will homeschool the rest of the week. I will go with him as long as he needs, but after today, I am hopeful that he will be ready soon. Kaleb, like many children, thrives with structure, so I think his going to school and Toby and Addie starting next week will be very helpful for all of us.

However, Kaleb is struggling at home and therefore, the rest of us are struggling. I remember in my reading that older children will often start losing their language before fully grasping English which can result in a lot of frustration and acting out. I think this might be some of what we are seeing. I have been amazed by the amount of English he is already using and his ability to understand what we are asking, but sometimes I think I underestimate how difficult it is for him. I was talking with friend about some of our difficulties and I said that if I step back out of my own chaos and exhaustion and look at his life, what he endured before and all the changes he has faced in the last 7 weeks my compassion grows exponentially. I just wish I could say that I do this naturally, but it isn't natural - it takes God's grace. Do you guys see a theme in what I have been learning? I also told my friend that I can pinpoint failures with my biological children, but I feel as though there is a foundation to be able to change and grow. I have this fear that this is my only chance with my adopted children and if I mess up now, there is no going back. This is not truth. Adoption and parenting of all children is a journey. We have successes and failures daily and is very important to celebrate the victories and learn from the mistakes.

On the home front, Jeff was home for a night and is gone again:( We are hopeful he will be back September 9. We all miss him so much. My mom was also gone, but thankfully she is home now. I am so grateful to have her near. Enjoy the school pictures - he is so cute!

Kaleb all ready to go

In front of Plumas Charter School - Emnet had to join us

Kaleb telling the class his name

Recess

Kaleb with his teacher Ms. Kara

Not Strong Enough

So, here it is, the post I wish didn't exist yet the post that I know God is using to draw me to Himself. Last night was less then good. I will start by saying that Jeff has been gone on a fire since Wednesday. This was my first go at parenting by myself since Kaleb and Emnet came home. The first couple of days went pretty well. I think I might have been putting out a much fire as Jeff, but all in all, not too bad. When Jeff is gone I don't sleep well. Even though I am exhausted it is really hard to go to sleep.

All of this culminated yesterday. I had planned to drive my mom to Reno (1 1/2 hours away) to fly out and see my sister so Jeff suggested we come down and see him since the fire he was on was only 30 minutes past Reno. This would give the kids a chance to see him and check out some cool helicopters. I decided to surprise the kids and not tell them where we were going. Well, the 30 minutes was closer to an hour and since I'm not quite ready to take all 4 kids in a restaurant by myself, we went through a drive thru. This means we were in the car a long time there and back. The actual visit was great. The kids were really excited to see Jeff and the helicopters were cool.

Fast forward to the evening. I was exhausted, everybody was melting down and nobody was listening to me. Jeff called and I started crying. I think these might have been the first tears shed since Ethiopia and it was bound to happen. After talking to Jeff I got the kids settled a bit and the phone rang. I decided not to answer and then I heard my wonderful friend Lori. Jeff had called her to check on me and offer to help. Instead of calling her right back I kept trying to do it myself. Jeff called back and then Lori and her daughter Tori showed up at my house. What a blessing and yet I was unwilling to ask for help. Lori did my dishes while Tori read to the girls. I was able to spend some needed one on one time with Kaleb then put the boys to bed. I went up and put the girls to bed and Emnet didn't cry or get out of bed. After Kaleb fell asleep I had a wonderful conversation with Toby. None of those things would have happened if Jeff hadn't reached out for help for me.

Why can't I do this myself? Pride is a big reason. I feel like I should be able to do it, but guess what, God didn't make us that way. He made us to live in community. He designed us to bear one anothers burdens. Yet we so often miss out on the blessing as well as the opportunity to allow somebody else to bless us because we don't ask. I told Jeff I didn't know what to ask for help for and he reminded me that is why we ask for help, because we don't know what else to do. I am so thankful for friends like Lori and Tori as well as so many others who I know are praying for me and are willing to help if I just ask. I have felt really alone this last month and now I realize part of the reason is I haven't reached out. Yet another lesson from God I am learning from this crazy, wonderful thing called adoption.

This is the song that has been playing over and over in my head and has "coincidentally" come on K-Love several times when I thought I might strangle someone in the backseat if only my arms were long enough :) As much as I don't like it, I am not strong enough but I know the One who gives me strength.