Not Strong Enough

So, here it is, the post I wish didn't exist yet the post that I know God is using to draw me to Himself. Last night was less then good. I will start by saying that Jeff has been gone on a fire since Wednesday. This was my first go at parenting by myself since Kaleb and Emnet came home. The first couple of days went pretty well. I think I might have been putting out a much fire as Jeff, but all in all, not too bad. When Jeff is gone I don't sleep well. Even though I am exhausted it is really hard to go to sleep.

All of this culminated yesterday. I had planned to drive my mom to Reno (1 1/2 hours away) to fly out and see my sister so Jeff suggested we come down and see him since the fire he was on was only 30 minutes past Reno. This would give the kids a chance to see him and check out some cool helicopters. I decided to surprise the kids and not tell them where we were going. Well, the 30 minutes was closer to an hour and since I'm not quite ready to take all 4 kids in a restaurant by myself, we went through a drive thru. This means we were in the car a long time there and back. The actual visit was great. The kids were really excited to see Jeff and the helicopters were cool.

Fast forward to the evening. I was exhausted, everybody was melting down and nobody was listening to me. Jeff called and I started crying. I think these might have been the first tears shed since Ethiopia and it was bound to happen. After talking to Jeff I got the kids settled a bit and the phone rang. I decided not to answer and then I heard my wonderful friend Lori. Jeff had called her to check on me and offer to help. Instead of calling her right back I kept trying to do it myself. Jeff called back and then Lori and her daughter Tori showed up at my house. What a blessing and yet I was unwilling to ask for help. Lori did my dishes while Tori read to the girls. I was able to spend some needed one on one time with Kaleb then put the boys to bed. I went up and put the girls to bed and Emnet didn't cry or get out of bed. After Kaleb fell asleep I had a wonderful conversation with Toby. None of those things would have happened if Jeff hadn't reached out for help for me.

Why can't I do this myself? Pride is a big reason. I feel like I should be able to do it, but guess what, God didn't make us that way. He made us to live in community. He designed us to bear one anothers burdens. Yet we so often miss out on the blessing as well as the opportunity to allow somebody else to bless us because we don't ask. I told Jeff I didn't know what to ask for help for and he reminded me that is why we ask for help, because we don't know what else to do. I am so thankful for friends like Lori and Tori as well as so many others who I know are praying for me and are willing to help if I just ask. I have felt really alone this last month and now I realize part of the reason is I haven't reached out. Yet another lesson from God I am learning from this crazy, wonderful thing called adoption.

This is the song that has been playing over and over in my head and has "coincidentally" come on K-Love several times when I thought I might strangle someone in the backseat if only my arms were long enough :) As much as I don't like it, I am not strong enough but I know the One who gives me strength.